BDSM FAQ

Welcome to #TheDungeon.

We always welcome questions and curiosity. If you have any questions, feel free to note this account, hereticschizoid, or summaro. We welcome all kinds of questions.

If we don't feel that we have the knowledge to answer your query, we will ask someone who knows more about the lifestyle than we do, or we will redirect you to that person. We are not experts by any means and we acknowledge that there are probably plenty of people who will join the room with a better understanding of the subculture than ours.

That being said, please feel free to send us your questions! No question is a dumb question and we want to help further your knowledge and our knowledge as much as possible.


What is BDSM?

This is our FAQ for anyone not overly familiar with the Scene. PLEASE read this FAQ even if you think you know what you're talking about. If you're experienced, you may have points you'd like us to add, and if you're not that experienced, you might learn something. We know it's a bit long, but it's worth the read.

If you have some extra time you may want to attack "the newbie pack" on wizdomme.com.

BDSM is a three part acronym.

Bondage/Discipline- physical control.
Dominance/submission- D/s is more focused on the mental aspects of the lifestyle.
Sadism/masochism- the giving and receiving of pain as pleasure.

While many view BDSM as just "kinky sex", others go far beyond occasional experimentation. For countless people, it is a lifestyle, not just a fetish. Also, a person can be into the lifestyle without enjoying every aspect of the above acronym. Not all people into BDSM enjoy pain for example.

What is BDSM not?

BDSM is not abuse. The motto of the BDSM subculture is safe, sane, and consensual. Safety is taken very seriously. What goes on in relationships and scenes is talked about ahead of time at length. It is discussed and agreed upon. Limits are talked about so that nobody is hurt. Safe-words are used so the person in charge knows when enough is enough.

BDSM is also not entirely serious or strict. People within the lifestyle are perfectly capable of romantic relationships as well as a healthy sense of humor. Trust is paramount in a BDSM relationship, so often times couples involved in this lifestyle are even more capable of romantic and open relationships.

Also, there is definitely a differing level of BDSM's involvement in a person's life and relationships. One relationship may be a strict Master/slave relationship because that is what both people desire. Another relationship may be less serious or formal because that is what is right for that couple. There is no "right" or "wrong" level at which someone expresses his or her dominance or submission. As long as it is safe, sane, and consensual, it is perfectly acceptable.



Domination is:

· Safe, Sane, & Consensual
· An exchange of power
· Gratifying to both dominant and submissive
· Liberating
· Nurturing
· Courteous
· Founded upon trust and mutual respect
· Romantic

Domination is NOT:

· Abusive
· Demeaning
· Perverted
· Exploitative
· One-sided
· Something you learn in a day, a week, or even a year
· For Everyone
· Domineering
· Manipulative
· An excuse to be rude

Submission is:

· Strength
· Devotion
· Consensual
· Chosen
· A surrender of control to a trusted and respected person
· Romantic
· A discovery of self

Submission is NOT:

· Only for women
· A sign of weakness
· A lack of intelligence or motivation
· Stupid
· Thoughtless
· Something that can be demanded or forced
· A miserable state of existence
· Sexual promiscuity
· Passive (subs aren't doormats!)


BDSM Terms

Bottom - one who submits within the bounds of a particular scene.

Contract - an agreement between participants regarding the limits of play and of submission and may include living arrangements, finances, and various responsibilities.

Dom - a male dominant within the BDSM lifestyle. Frequently capitalized a symbol of respect or an acknowledgement of the position.

Domme - (pronounced Dom, as in Femme) also Domina, Dominatrix - a female dominant within the BDSM lifestyle. Also frequently capitalized.

Dungeon - a place designed for BDSM play, either public or private, usually including a range of toys and fixtures for restraint and sexual and/or sadomasochistic play. Not all dungeons have large-scale equipment. Home dungeons because of space limitations may only have small toys.

Edge play - Play that approaches the edges of an individual's limits or tolerances.

Fetish - something that exerts an unusual attraction to an individual, often sexual. This may include shoes, feet, rubber, leather, hair, lingerie, or countless other possibilities. If you can imagine it, there are probably several other people with the same fetish.

Fetish wear - clothing/costumes designed for play or for parties, generally very obviously different from the norm. May include latex, leather, chain, lingerie...

Lifestyle - BDSM practiced as an integral part of a person's life, not just occasional play.

Limits - those boundaries established by each person as things they will not do. May be soft limits, things they may be willing to carefully explore but are unsure of. May be hard limits, things the person will not do under any circumstances.

Munch - a social gathering of those who participate in BDSM, usually an informal public meeting with no fetish wear or play expected. A munch is usually a good way for curious people to meet others and learn about the lifestyle in a non-intimidating environment.

Play - the activities associated with BDSM, may or may not include sex, bondage, pain, service.

Player - usually a derogatory term, given to one who wants to play at BDSM without learning or respecting the people involved, the concepts of safety, the mental and emotional aspects of it.

Player - may also be somebody who only indulges in BDSM on an occasional basis, as opposed to somebody who embraces it as a lifestyle.

Play party - a party at which public BDSM play is expected to happen.

R/T - Acronym for "real time" that distinguishes between "real" (in the flesh) relations and online/e-mail relations.

Safeword - a word established between players that a submissive/bottom may use to stop play if something is not right or limits are being exceeded.

SAM - Smart Ass Masochist. A masochist might be feeling a bit SAMmy if they tease and goad their Dom in hopes of a little extra discipline.

scene - a limited period of BDSM play. A "session" so to speak. Also, refers to one's particular kink as in "My scene is feet" if someone has a foot fetish. (The first definition is the more common usage).

The Scene - this refers to the BDSM/fetish world. To be "in the Scene" means one participates, even if only a little, in organized events and considers oneself a member of this subculture. To be "out in the Scene" means that you are a known participant. This is almost always written with a capital "S" whereas the other uses of "scene" are not.

Service - The act of serving, may include housework, bringing food  and drink, bathing, sexual acts, or any other service a Dominant requires of a submissive or slave.

slave - one who places themselves in the ownership of a Master or Mistress within the BDSM lifestyle. A Master/slave relationship is just as loving as a "normal" relationship.

Station - an area of a dungeon set up with fixtures, furniture, or tools designed for a particular type of play. Most dungeons have several stations available.
submissive - one who chooses to submit to a dominant within the BDSM lifestyle.

Switch - a person who may choose to either submit or dominate and enjoy both.

Top - one who dominates within the bounds of a particular scene.

Vanilla - a word that refers to anyone not involved in BDSM or "non-kinky." Sometimes it is used in a derogatory way towards close-minded people.
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This is by no means an exhaustive list of terms or information on the lifestyle.  The BDSM subculture is so vast it would be impossible to be an expert in just a couple months or even a couple years. It is a learning experience- a journey without an end. There is always something to learn about the lifestyle.
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Reliable sites with information to help further your basic knowledge include:
castlerealm.com
leathernroses.com
Mistress Verijaa's website
Dr. (and Domme) Gloria Brame's website
steel-door.com

Reliable books you can get from the library, bookstore, or internet include:
Come Hither: A commonsense guide to kinky sex by Dr. Gloria Brame
Different Loving : A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by Dr. Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
The Loving Dominant by John Warren
Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by Bill Henkin and Sybil Holiday


ATTENTION:

Though we have started this group to bring like-minded people together, it does NOT mean that we believe we know more than everyone else about the lifestyle. However, we do know others who have more experience. We will bring your questions to these contacts if the questions are beyond our limited knowledge.

Please note that anyone in an Operators position ("Aficionados") in the chatroom is NOT there based on their knowledge of the lifestyle. We require our ops to have at least the basic information, but please come to us with your questions so we may direct you to those best suited to answer them. You can also bring your question to the room so everyone can discuss it and you'll get different viewpoints.

Just please, be wary of those who claim to be knowledgeable about the lifestyle. Come to several different people with the same question, research online, read books and compare the results you get from all these sources.



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